Here's to a year of soaking...

More often than not, when life is considerably busy, the moment my mind slows down it also simultaneously slips into overdrive--thinking about a number of things I can't control no matter how hard I try. And many of the things I think about are subjects that sit in the 'fear' category of my brain. 

Normally, I'm able to push said subjects beneath the surface of my conscious; however, they never fail to find ways to resurface in the moments I unknowingly let my guard down. A regular such occurrence for me is when I wash dishes. It sounds crazy, but washing dishes relaxes me in a lot of ways. I go back through the day and think about things that have happened and interactions that I've had with others...

And then the downside of washing dishes comes in (and no, it's not that I realize I'm actually washing dishes and not at the beach or something fun like that ;))--my mind is relaxed, I'm feeling calm and then BAM: thoughts containing fear or paranoid thoughts suddenly begin to wash over me. I quickly do my best to push them out of my head by thinking of the most positive things I can, but alas, it is no use. The thoughts have invaded my mind, and they won't go away...wait for it...until I DEAL with them.

It sounds simple, but if you internalize things like me, this is a fairly significant realization. These things will not go away until I acknowledge that they scare me, think about them logically, realize that I have no control over such fears except...for how I use my energy to deal with them. Instead of internalizing and trying to pretend like I'm invincible, I'm slowly learning the importance of embracing the very human element of who I am. 

I've expressed in previous posts how important I think it is that we get out of the mindset that we can achieve perfection in this life, but I will be the first to admit that it is something I struggle with on a daily basis. The very reason this struggle occurs is because I rely far, far too much on myself and what I think I'm capable of, rather than relying on God's promises to be with me through whatever I face--good or bad.

We're often told if our faith is strong enough, we won't be scared; we won't experience fear. I will be the first to call bull on that statement. In our human nature, we are prone to many things, fear being one of them. But if we take seriously God's promises that God will be with us "until the end of the age" (Matt. 28:20) and that "My grace is sufficient for you, because power is made perfect in weakness," (2 Cor.12:9) then we also take seriously that God understands us-- where we are and who we are: every habit, mannerism, fear, excitement, love, anxiety...and guess what? GOD LOVES US ANYWAY!

I'm always wanting to find a quick fix to things that trouble me, hence my internalizing nature. "Get rid of it." "I don't want to think about this anymore." "I'll just ignore it." The falsehoods go on forever. 

In light of all this coming to mind while washing dishes, I started to think of it like this: When dealing with these fears, a simple rinse (internalization) will not cleanse me of the anxiety that comes with these things I can't control. Instead.. if I really want them to go away..it's going to require a good, long soak. Intentional time to acknowledge said fears and deal with them however necessary, whether by shedding tears, praying, journaling or maybe all three! 

Whatever it is, if I use this "soaking" method, I find God is able to assure me that the Holy One can fill that negative internalized space where my fears once were with God's hope, love, and reassurance that I was never expected to go this road we call life alone. So thankful that we worship a God who is big enough to allow me to acknowledge my own emotions and who is personable enough to calm my fears and comfort me in times when I am not so secure. 

Hmmm..Seems that depending on and trusting in God really is everything.