Here's to a year of soaking...

More often than not, when life is considerably busy, the moment my mind slows down it also simultaneously slips into overdrive--thinking about a number of things I can't control no matter how hard I try. And many of the things I think about are subjects that sit in the 'fear' category of my brain. 

Normally, I'm able to push said subjects beneath the surface of my conscious; however, they never fail to find ways to resurface in the moments I unknowingly let my guard down. A regular such occurrence for me is when I wash dishes. It sounds crazy, but washing dishes relaxes me in a lot of ways. I go back through the day and think about things that have happened and interactions that I've had with others...

And then the downside of washing dishes comes in (and no, it's not that I realize I'm actually washing dishes and not at the beach or something fun like that ;))--my mind is relaxed, I'm feeling calm and then BAM: thoughts containing fear or paranoid thoughts suddenly begin to wash over me. I quickly do my best to push them out of my head by thinking of the most positive things I can, but alas, it is no use. The thoughts have invaded my mind, and they won't go away...wait for it...until I DEAL with them.

It sounds simple, but if you internalize things like me, this is a fairly significant realization. These things will not go away until I acknowledge that they scare me, think about them logically, realize that I have no control over such fears except...for how I use my energy to deal with them. Instead of internalizing and trying to pretend like I'm invincible, I'm slowly learning the importance of embracing the very human element of who I am. 

I've expressed in previous posts how important I think it is that we get out of the mindset that we can achieve perfection in this life, but I will be the first to admit that it is something I struggle with on a daily basis. The very reason this struggle occurs is because I rely far, far too much on myself and what I think I'm capable of, rather than relying on God's promises to be with me through whatever I face--good or bad.

We're often told if our faith is strong enough, we won't be scared; we won't experience fear. I will be the first to call bull on that statement. In our human nature, we are prone to many things, fear being one of them. But if we take seriously God's promises that God will be with us "until the end of the age" (Matt. 28:20) and that "My grace is sufficient for you, because power is made perfect in weakness," (2 Cor.12:9) then we also take seriously that God understands us-- where we are and who we are: every habit, mannerism, fear, excitement, love, anxiety...and guess what? GOD LOVES US ANYWAY!

I'm always wanting to find a quick fix to things that trouble me, hence my internalizing nature. "Get rid of it." "I don't want to think about this anymore." "I'll just ignore it." The falsehoods go on forever. 

In light of all this coming to mind while washing dishes, I started to think of it like this: When dealing with these fears, a simple rinse (internalization) will not cleanse me of the anxiety that comes with these things I can't control. Instead.. if I really want them to go away..it's going to require a good, long soak. Intentional time to acknowledge said fears and deal with them however necessary, whether by shedding tears, praying, journaling or maybe all three! 

Whatever it is, if I use this "soaking" method, I find God is able to assure me that the Holy One can fill that negative internalized space where my fears once were with God's hope, love, and reassurance that I was never expected to go this road we call life alone. So thankful that we worship a God who is big enough to allow me to acknowledge my own emotions and who is personable enough to calm my fears and comfort me in times when I am not so secure. 

Hmmm..Seems that depending on and trusting in God really is everything.

Long time, no [write]. :)

I hope everyone's new year is off to a magnificent start. Honestly, there were plenty of things that I considered writing about toward the end of 2013, such as:

Black Friday/ Grey Thursday ridiculousness
Phil Robertson's right to freedom of speech/the A&E publicity stunt
Football fans killing other fans for not being upset enough about a particular team's loss...


Wow. We sure ended on some high notes, didn't we? Maybe when I muster up some patience and clarity I'll write on these subjects. But for now, I'm choosing to focus on, well, the now! I, for one, am thrilled for this gift of a new year. The gift to begin again, to try again. To be something, someone new. Fresh. Clean. Alive.

Amidst this gift of a new beginning and an insurmountable amount of blessings, I can't seem to feel happy lately. I kind of feel like Charlie Brown when he can't figure out why he's the only kid in the Peanuts gang who isn't thrilled about Christmas quickly approaching (Times like these, I wish I had my own personal Linus!).

I'm working on nurturing a closer relationship between me and God; I know that's at the heart of why I can't seem to find happiness these days. Another thing that I think sucks the life right out of me is this messed up ideology I possess that it's necessary for me to be a perfect, happy, and put together individual 110% of the time.

Our culture is so focused on maintaining a "perfect" image (which we know doesn't make sense because the only perfect image is of God), and yeah we're made in that perfect image; however, if we're real with ourselves we've gotta admit that we will never obtain such perfection in this life. And living a lie that things are completely flawless day-to-day to show off to our Facebook friends is a sad way to live. But isn't that what we're doing to some extent? Think about it. [[Insert status about various accomplishments with a couple of Instagram photos portraying how happy we are doing absolutely nothing!!]] I am as guilty, if not more guilty, than the majority. I think somewhere along the way I've adopted a misconception that happiness just happens, and thus I've grown accustomed to sitting around waiting for something really great to happen, all the while trying to make it seem as though things are phenomenal 24/7.

Don't get me wrong. My life is one continuous blessing, and there again, an issue is unearthed. Gratefulness. Thankfulness. It's one thing for me to say that I'm those things; however, it's a completely other thing to live into such attitudes. Am I thanking God by trying to care for others? Am I letting my loved ones know how much they mean to me as much as possible? I could do better to say the least.

Let me be clear. This post isn't meant to be one of self-degradation. It is, however, meant to be one of self-reflection. And I think rather than allowing my focus to be invested in pleasing other people, I'm going to explore what it means to make decisions for and find happiness for myself. I don't think I've done much of that in a long time, and I'm not sure what kind of balance that entails so that I don't become completely self-involved. But I'm willing to test the waters, explore more, do more for other people, think more about what being in ministry with all people really means and try to learn from such things so that my happiness isn't dictated by things that don't matter whether that be other people's perceptions of me, things that happened in the past that no longer matter, or doubting myself for whatever reason. This year, in the breaks between studying and writing papers, I vow to myself to learn more about myself and what happiness means to me, to commit to searching for it and to helping others find it in their own lives.

Heard Tim McGraw's "Red Rag Top" on the radio the other day, and these lyrics really struck me:
Well you do what you do and you pay for your sins,
and there's no such thing as what might've
been, that's a waste of time; drive you outta your mind

Cheers to a new year, friends. To leaving the past in the past and to not worry about pleasing anyone but God and ourselves. May we love others wholeheartedly, be successful in our endeavors to find true happiness, and share it with others. Thanks for stopping by, and may peace cover you and yours until we meet again.