[Edited to note: I sacrificed a shower while my kid was napping for this post. Let the record show that I am--if nothing else--determined (and sort of dirty).]
Well, crap. (Sounds like a great way to start out the ol' blog revamp, eh?)
I can't find the picture of the quote that was to springboard this inaugural post, so alas, paraphrasing will have to do:
"Working moms are expected to work as though they do not have children and parent their children as though they do not work."
I came across this quote shortly after returning to work from maternity leave in the fall of 2017, and it has continued to resonate with me on a spiritual level.
Fortunately, I did not feel the aforementioned impossible expectations thrust onto me by either of the two congregations I pastor. However, I did feel ample societal pressure to succeed at being a mom who works.
And not just succeed...but succeed publicly, where everyone could keep an eye on and approve of how well I was juggling the small, untamed circus that had become my reality.
A lot of that had to do with social media.
You know how it goes.
A mom friend of yours continually posts pictures that indicate she is managing all the things--not just well, but f l a w l e s s l y, and you find yourself wondering what class you missed that sets one up for such perfection and ease?
In trying to gain the approval of others about my success as a working mother (part of this has to do with my personality, but that's a discussion for another post), I found myself feeling increasingly more deflated, depleted, isolated, and alone.
I attempted to carry out the expectations of others thinking that, in and of itself, would somehow garner my success, would somehow mark me worthy to continue doing the things I had to do, to continue doing the things I'd been called to do by God:
Be a pastor.
And be a mom.
I thought that would show them--whoever the heck "them" happened to be at any given moment--that I was resilient and had what it takes.
Earlier this week, I got a counter-cultural lesson on what true resilience of working mothers looks like at a required retreat for the ordination process:
A mom of a FOUR MONTH OLD (If you don't have kids, you might not get what a big deal this is. Just know this woman rocks.) was there handling her colic-y, most precious babe like a champ. Miles from home, away from her spouse and everything that is familiar. Breastfeeding, bouncing, wearing, walking, changing clothes after poop explosions, the works. She didn't realize how incredible she was as she managed the roles of pastor and mother in those few days we were together, but I admired her resilience the entire time.
A friend of mine pumped day and night--while battling bronchitis and a sinus infection, to boot--in order to make sure her six month old would have enough to eat when they reunited at the end of the week. She probably didn't think about this as an act of resilience, but I certainly did.
Another dear friend of mine spoke to me about sitting on the other end of the phone from her four year old who was sobbing because "I miss mommy." She told me she was prepared to stay on the line all night if that's what it took to comfort her child. If that's not resilience--to do whatever we need to do to balance our vocational roles--I don't know what is.
I chased around a 1.5 year old toddler (with the help of my clergy husband) who was adamant about, well, being a toddler. He cared not that this retreat was designed for rest and rejuvenation. He cared about moving and exploring and clapping and raising his voice and dancing. And I had to learn very quickly to set aside others' expectations of us as a family and just allow my child to be, to care for and nurture him in the ways he needed, all while continuing to stand my ground as a pastor and hopeful candidate for ordination.
And those are only the stories and situations at our retreat that I know about. Several other clergywomen who juggle the vocation of motherhood through the act of resilience could be found in every session.
Often, we--as working mothers--don't think much about the strength and resilience we exhibit as we carry out our simultaneous callings. Nor are we want to give ourselves credit where credit is due as we manage all the things that are asked and required of us.
Perhaps this will be the year where working moms and all moms everywhere remember our sacred worth as creatures breathed into being by the God of All--made for love and community and solidarity and compassion--as we live into the various aspects of our vocation(s).
Perhaps this will be the year where working moms and all moms everywhere hold fast to the truth that God did not create us to live up to someone else's standards. Instead, may we remember that we are intended only to live evermore deeply into the abundant grace and abiding love of God.
May we receive it. May we embody it. And may we share it generously. Always.
Thanks for reading, dear ones.
Deep Peace,
MK
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