I think it all began with church.
I remember getting up and leaving worship fairly often (once I was regularly attending "big church" and was no longer allowed in children's church where lively, colorful puppets and crafts told the stories as opposed to the preacher who droned on about them from that box in the front of the sanctuary), whispering to my mother as I scooted out of the pew that I needed to use the restroom and would shortly return. That was rarely the case.
I would toddle out the back entrance, down the stone staircase taking in as much fresh air into my lungs as they could muster, back thru the front entrance, and zipped up the stairs to the (very) pink girls bathroom on the second floor.
All was quiet in the halls as the Christian education classes would have concluded prior to the beginning of service, and I remember feeling a young child's thrill of rebellion as I softly sang while walking the length of the space knowing I would be in quite a bit of trouble if anyone was to stumble upon my secret hideout, my sanctuary.
Moving from my live performance for the classroom doors, I would then spend time in the (very) pink bathroom taking in the fragrant, circular 90s air fresheners that stuck to the wall, sitting in the chair that sat in the corner for reasons unbeknownst to me at the time, and looking with disapproving eyes at the odd figure that stood before me in the full length mirror.
I'd think about what I learned in Sunday school that morning, think about my current crush, and wonder if my girlfriends at church would think I was cool if they knew I was pulling off this masterful plan of hiding out in the bathroom rather than trying to hold my eyelids open in service.
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Nowadays, I still find the bathroom a place of refuge. The place is the same--private, quiet, calm--but the thoughts are different. I hide away when I feel myself begin to be frustrated with others, when I need to realign my energy to be more present in a space, when I feel the overwhelming need to pray for those who suffer, when I need to be unapologetically pissed for just a moment at the countless injustices of the world.
I just experienced such a moment when we stopped at a rest area on the way to Louisiana. I just stood there leaning against the stall wall rubbing my eyes, sad and angry, for all that sucks in the world. Once again, the haven of the bathroom pulled thru so I could sort thru all things (big and small) running rampant in my mind:
I'm sad that Mike the Tiger is dying from some rare form of cancer.
I'm sad that Alzheimer's is slowly taking my grandmother's life from her.
I'm sad that because we haven't taken seriously our charge to care for our planet, quality of life across all dimensions of creation is suffering.
I'm mad that I will probably never be taken as seriously as my husband in our profession despite us both having the same title and following very similar calls to ministry because I am a woman.
I'm angry that black and brown bodies are STILL being treated as >less than< white bodies despite our knowledge that every single human being is loved, valued, & breathed into being by the God of Life and Love.
I'm angry that members of the LGBTQ community are still not being welcomed to lead and live and love in the church despite our knowledge that every single human being is loved, valued, & breathed into being by the God of Life and Love.
I'm angry that people are dying from hunger when there is plenty of food to go around and be shared with those who are starving.
I'm devastated that children all over the world are being abused and that children who live in poverty often do not get what they need in the way of nourishment for their minds, bodies, and souls from our society and world.
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It's alright to embrace the spaces where we can unearth and sit in the brokenness of the world, but then we must go from those spaces to pray, to act, to live WITH one another, united in God's love, as we seek to ease the suffering of those around us and far beyond us.
Lord of mercy, grace & justice,
hear our prayers
for healing,
comfort,
change of systems,
reorientation of relationships,
realization of privilege,
nourishment of all kinds,
refocus,
reconciliation,
redemption,
restoration,
& peace...all so that your will be done: love shown to, lived out, and felt by all people, your people. Amen
