And it has been a journey, to say the very least.
Don't get me wrong. I like what I'm learning. I like experiences I'm having. I like people I get to spend time with.
But, some days, the journey feels long. Like, really long. Some days, it seems like there's no end in sight and I'm not sure I'll make it to the other side (of the stage to get that piece of paper, ya feel me?!). Some days--well, a lot of days if I'm really being honest--I doubt that I have what it takes. I start to throw questions around like, "How can someone like me be a pastor? My thoughts are too scattered to change the world for Christ, to ease suffering, to lead people in their faith;" "Is this really what I want to do with my life? I love structure and, other than Sunday morning, there ain't much structure about this vocational path I have chosen to wander down;" "What if I don't do enough?" "What if I lead people astray, or worse, don't efficiently lead people at all?"
These are all questions that hit my brain about once a week. Some people will tell you that seminary isn't that hard, that it hasn't challenged who they are as a person or as an aspiring ministerial leader. Some people will tell you that they love all of their classes and the amount of time spent in class, but I'm just not one of those people. And that's okay. It's taken me about half-way through this seminary journey to realize: I'M OKAY. Just as I am.
Different people will have different experiences, and really. What a GIFT it is that we can look to one another for reassurance in different areas of our educations and ministries where others of us do not feel as confident.
Luckily, I am blessed to be part of a community where I am nurtured, encouraged, and supported in more ways than I could name. Jerome United Methodist Church has been such a blessing to be involved with since our move to Ohio. Today, we spent the majority of our day at church worshiping with a popular Christian music group called Citizen Way. I forgot how much I connected to God through loud music filled with good theology and carried through the air by guitars, drums, and talented voices.
Not only was my soul renewed by singing along with familiar lyrics--and not only singing them, but actually feeling them--but spending time with my Ohio church family was also nothing short of refreshing. Getting caught up on their lives from where we've been out of town for the past month. Talking to moms about their little ones and watching their eyes light up as they tell me details of when the baby is due and watching their eyes water as they explain that the youngest in the family is growing so quickly it's sometimes difficult to fathom. Talking to little ones about how good cotton candy is and how fun the obstacle course was, and listening to excited chatter about the ever-popular dunk tank ("I got to dunk Pastor Dave!"). Listening to some of our youth talk about life in general while we absentmindedly spun cotton candy and made popcorn in the fancy machine. Moving tables and cutting up with the men while we loaded things into various trucks and then drinking cokes together afterward.
Community. Community is what reminds me that I'm not alone in this journey. It reminds me that I am enough and that my enthusiasm (half used to mask my nerves, half used because I'm genuinely excited to stand before a congregation) is appreciated even in such mundane things as giving the announcements to those gathered in worship. It reminds me that even though I'm far away from my biological family, I've been genuinely welcomed into countless others. It reminds me that God is present and breathing and moving in interactions where love is shared.
I am so thankful for our Jerome family tonight--for the opportunities to be in ministry, for the opportunities to get to know families as well as individuals, for the ways that we are uplifted and reassured in the times that the seminary journey feels never-ending. I am inspired by this love, and I hope to let the wonderful day I had--refocusing on God and what truly matters--shape the entire semester, as it starts tomorrow.
May I learn. May I grow. May I give. May I love.
