Self-differentiation is an integral component of the Bowen Theory. This theory derives from Murray Bowen who was an American psychiatrist and professor of psychiatry at Georgetown University. He was also one of the first to conceptualize family theory and was a founder of systemic theory. (Information was retrieved from Wikipedia)
One of the definitions of self-differentiation on dictionary.com reads: to perceive the difference in or between
Think about that for a minute, if you will. Think about the people you encounter on a daily basis. There are more than likely quite a few people you get along with, but there is also undoubtedly at least one person who never fails to stay on your nerves. You know the type. You hear them coming down the hall of your school or your workplace, and you instantly get the urge to duck your head or "go to the bathroom." Yeah, those people.
And there lies the issue-- those people.
Thanks to the Conflict Management class I took in January, I have a whole new appreciation for what it means to self-differentiate, to recognize the differences between myself and another person. Not in a bigoted "I'm better and different than you," kind of way (although, I'm sure it could escalate to that place if one does not navigate the practice of self-differentiation intentionally), but in a way that allows me to think about how I view the world and interact in it. It also--maybe more importantly-- allows me to really pay attention to, learn about, and reflect upon how others view and interact in the world.
Think about that for a minute, if you will. Think about the people you encounter on a daily basis. There are more than likely quite a few people you get along with, but there is also undoubtedly at least one person who never fails to stay on your nerves. You know the type. You hear them coming down the hall of your school or your workplace, and you instantly get the urge to duck your head or "go to the bathroom." Yeah, those people.
And there lies the issue-- those people.
Thanks to the Conflict Management class I took in January, I have a whole new appreciation for what it means to self-differentiate, to recognize the differences between myself and another person. Not in a bigoted "I'm better and different than you," kind of way (although, I'm sure it could escalate to that place if one does not navigate the practice of self-differentiation intentionally), but in a way that allows me to think about how I view the world and interact in it. It also--maybe more importantly-- allows me to really pay attention to, learn about, and reflect upon how others view and interact in the world.
I guess it sounds sort of cliche, but if we were all the same...We would be bored. We would be miserable. We'd probably die out. In fact, I'm pretty sure we would die out. Whether we stop to appreciate it or not, we are positively influenced by people who are "different" than us every day--directly and indirectly, alike.
For instance, though I attend a seminary, I do not consider myself an academic and never will. Do I like to learn? Of course. Do I think that the knowledge I'm gaining throughout the duration of my MDiv degree matters? More than I can tell you. Do I like to constantly talk about any and every thing that has to do with the academy, academic theories and their details? Absolutely not. It's not my gig; it never has been and it never will. Because of this, I am often bogged down when people surrounding me are continually talking about the academic details: "What are the implications of so-and-so's theory?", "What did you make on your final in such-and-such class?", "Actually, that's not correct. So-and-so really said..."
And my thought in all of this is WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Why does it matter?
For instance, though I attend a seminary, I do not consider myself an academic and never will. Do I like to learn? Of course. Do I think that the knowledge I'm gaining throughout the duration of my MDiv degree matters? More than I can tell you. Do I like to constantly talk about any and every thing that has to do with the academy, academic theories and their details? Absolutely not. It's not my gig; it never has been and it never will. Because of this, I am often bogged down when people surrounding me are continually talking about the academic details: "What are the implications of so-and-so's theory?", "What did you make on your final in such-and-such class?", "Actually, that's not correct. So-and-so really said..."
And my thought in all of this is WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Why does it matter?
Truth is, most of it doesn't matter to me. However, those questions and statements matter to someone else for whatever reason. The person talking about the particular theorist and their theory? For all I know, that particular theorist could be a kind of revolutionary role model for the person who brings it up. The person who asks what I got on my final? Rather than meaning to invade my privacy, they may legitimately be concerned that there was an error in the way their paper was graded and want to consult with me to see if I got marked for the same things. And the person who chooses to throw in a correction or their opinion that may come across as pretentious? That person might not be told how valuable they or their knowledge truly are; thus, they try to assert themselves in every way possible. To be valued.
And at the end of the day, isn't that what we all want? Something we can all agree on. We want to matter to someone--who we are as a person, the struggles we've faced, our accomplishments. We just want to know we're loved. And that outreaching for love doesn't always look the same. Rather than coming from a place of "I'm right," or "I'm the victim" in various situations as Rohr mentions in the above video, what if we actually tried to UNDERSTAND WHERE THE OTHER PERSON IS COMING FROM?
Crazy idea, right? And it seems so simple. But, for me, when I think about the way I perceive people on a daily basis, I am constantly forgetting to self-differentiate and give people the benefit of the doubt. I forget that they're made in the image of God, just like me. They matter. My job as a Christian is not to judge the way they view the world or the things with which they preoccupy themselves. We are different for a purpose. We are all different because when we are united, we make up the holistic Kingdom of God. Loving, not judging, is what will allow us to grow and to learn about what it truly means to be the people we've been called to be by God. We should work toward revealing the Kingdom, which means instilling in everyone who doesn't have a solid sense of worth that They. Matter.
My snarky habits of rolling my eyes or exiting the room when I feel annoyed does not invite the Kingdom to be revealed. It merely shows others I'm not serious about the call that I claim God has placed on my heart. Don't get me wrong. This is not something I can be cured from. I will always have to work toward being patient and authentic when it comes to my interactions with certain people. But ya know what? I would be very surprised if they're not having to put forth some effort to deal with me as well.
Together is the only way we can work past our differences. We were given to each other as a community for a purpose. May we work to put the judgments aside in order to usher in the hospitality, learning, and understanding that are involved in loving God and loving others.
And at the end of the day, isn't that what we all want? Something we can all agree on. We want to matter to someone--who we are as a person, the struggles we've faced, our accomplishments. We just want to know we're loved. And that outreaching for love doesn't always look the same. Rather than coming from a place of "I'm right," or "I'm the victim" in various situations as Rohr mentions in the above video, what if we actually tried to UNDERSTAND WHERE THE OTHER PERSON IS COMING FROM?
Crazy idea, right? And it seems so simple. But, for me, when I think about the way I perceive people on a daily basis, I am constantly forgetting to self-differentiate and give people the benefit of the doubt. I forget that they're made in the image of God, just like me. They matter. My job as a Christian is not to judge the way they view the world or the things with which they preoccupy themselves. We are different for a purpose. We are all different because when we are united, we make up the holistic Kingdom of God. Loving, not judging, is what will allow us to grow and to learn about what it truly means to be the people we've been called to be by God. We should work toward revealing the Kingdom, which means instilling in everyone who doesn't have a solid sense of worth that They. Matter.
My snarky habits of rolling my eyes or exiting the room when I feel annoyed does not invite the Kingdom to be revealed. It merely shows others I'm not serious about the call that I claim God has placed on my heart. Don't get me wrong. This is not something I can be cured from. I will always have to work toward being patient and authentic when it comes to my interactions with certain people. But ya know what? I would be very surprised if they're not having to put forth some effort to deal with me as well.
Together is the only way we can work past our differences. We were given to each other as a community for a purpose. May we work to put the judgments aside in order to usher in the hospitality, learning, and understanding that are involved in loving God and loving others.
